I remember in my youth, pre-children days, my grandmother telling me, “Once you have children, you have them their whole lives.” I didn’t get it then because society makes you think you have them til they’re 18 then release them into the wild (I mean world).
I know many mothers that put their children first. For some, it’s all we know to do. For those mothers already putting theirselves first, kudos to you. Teach us your ways.
Last year, 2019, I kept trying to pour into my family from an empty cup. I was severely fatigued, unhealthy, and found myself very easily annoyed most days. What was worse was that a lot of my frustration was because I wasn’t allowing myself to do things I wanted and needed to do.
Anytime I find myself escaping I have awful mom guilt. The exception is when I escape with my husband for date night. Surely, I’m not the only mother with this experience.
I knew I had to make a change. I vowed to myself that I would leave mom guilt in 2019 and put myself first in 2020. Because, let’s face it, a lot of us need to do something different in this new decade.
Here are 5 things I’ve done to aid in putting me first:
- Use a babysitter to get things done even if I’m not going to work. This is a lifesaver. Sometimes it’s the best $20-$30 spent to sit at Starbucks and actually get some work done. As many parents now know, it’s incredibly hard to get work done at home when the kids are running around. Pre-Covid, I was already too familiar with the scenario. A sitter? Yes one of the best investments to secure some me time.
- Implement and be consistent with bedtime for the children. I talk with a lot of parents that say their children don’t have a bedtime per se. My question is always, “How do you stand it?” Without a bedtime, I find myself up with my children from the time they wake (early risers) to the time they go to bed. Generally after that I’m to exhausted to do anything I want for me or anything at all for that matter. A set bedtime keeps us all on track and tells me that my time is near. I try to take some time after they’re in bed to have some self care most nights.
- Communicate with my support system what I need. At some point I realized I had to stop being angry and that no one was reading my mind to what I needed. Imagine that. Once I clearly communicated with my spouse what I needed, finding me time was a little easier if we both were home. At anytime when I’m in need, I let my support know and usually am able to schedule a time for myself. Having a village, no matter how small, has been my saving grace.
- Stop saying yes to things I want to say no to. How many are guilty of doing things they don’t really want to? I use to have a bad habit of doing things that didn’t bring me joy too often. As I’ve gotten older, I’m learning to reject anything that doesn’t bring me peace. Saying no is a way to set a healthy boundary and put yourself first. Stop being guilty for saying no. Sometimes it’s necessary. We, as woman and mothers, have to learn that our “no”s do not need explanation. I, too, am guilty of starting to explain why. I have to stop myself and admit that I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my no.
- Gifting myself something even if it’s small. Us moms tend to buy our children far more than we ever buy ourselves. And we’re totally okay with that. A couple months ago I vowed to commit to at least a pedi every month in addition to my hair appointment. My time away at these two appointments are invaluable and worth every cent. For some it may be hair appointments, while others it may be a nice dress or purse. Whatever it is, if it makes you happy and won’t break the bank, get yourself a little something every once it a while. You deserve it.
Please know that there are circumstances that you have to put your children first. Just ensure that you’re finding time for yourself and allowing yourself decompression time. It’s too easy to let days go by before realizing that you haven’t taken time to do something fun. Get with your girlfriends and have a night out or a night in having some good laughs. Your mental health will thank you for it.
Remember, you’re doing the best that you can even on your worse days. I know there have been times where I’ve called my husband at work asking how soon he would be home afterwards. Parenting is hard but it’s always worth it. We need to let our children see us take time for ourselves so they know it’s okay to need alone time. After all, they mimic what they see.
Comment your thoughts below. Lets chat!
Love this! And you’re absolutely right!! Sometimes we don’t realize how much we need some time for ourselves because all we do is work work work… trying to stay afloat. We live day by day hoping a good outcome each day.! I have tried a good bedtime for my kids and it’s so relaxing 😌 and peaceful!! Love the things you publish and hope to hear more .. ❤️🌺 happy Mother’s Day 💐
Love this! I have learned the gift of no! I vowed this year I would put myself first. Its still a work in progress as I have one biologucal daughter 13 and three foster daughters of no relation to eavh other 11,15 and 16 all with their own set of issues. I also have an unappreciative husband and two dogs I never wanted that leave hai and foot prints all over my hard wood floors😠 yeah a house full of emotional vampires sucking the life out of me! I was on the verge of a mental break down. Im still battling with the guilt of not cooking every night even though I have 4 other abled bodies in the house or having a spotless house at all times which is impossible with two hair shedding pets and again Im not the maid its too many able bodies in my house to be cleaning up after everyone everyday and the dishes! If it doesnt bother them to leave them in the sink then I try not to let it bother me… but it does! Lol I daydream about having my own place lol Still working on guiltlessly setting boundaries. I feel this completely.
It’s so hard when you are doing the majority of the work yourself and the appreciation isn’t there…only expectation. Finding self will help with that. I’m hopeful. And it’s still a struggle for me too.
Beautiful pictures thanks for the tips never too old to learn.
Amazing !! I enjoyed reading this . I’m definitely guilty of saying “ yes” to things I want to say “ no” too.. I’m working on that . I recently had a situation with an associate and I didn’t feel like I had to explain myself and it didn’t end well. 😫
It’s a struggle because people feel that you owe them an explanation when you absolutely don’t.
Love this Nia. I think any mother can relate to this scenario. Very hard trying to that balance in being a wife , mother and still being you. Thanks for sharing your story💕
Yes, yes and yes!!! I’m a HUGE believer in self care. So this post was an AMEN!! hallelujah!!! Great post sis! ❤️
Thank you so much!
Yes a consistent bedtime is soooo important. 💕
Decompression time is definitely my safe haven. Even my kids know what time it is when I say mommy needs to dework lol
I can’t wait til mine are a little older and all are self sufficient.
This was really good my love. I definitely can relate, especially being a first time mom I wanted every single moment with Sincere, didn’t want to leave him with anyone. Lmbo but I to incorporated the things you listed earlier and life feels good. My mom is so supportive, she definitely knows when I need a break and I don’t even have to ask.
You are so blessed to have a mother that you don’t have to ask for help. I pray one day I can be that mom to my children.
I needed every bit of this ! Being a single mom I feel like everything if not all is out on me . I was journaling my thoughts last night and I felt I couldn’t pour anymore out because I’ve poured every last bit of myself out !
Amen to that. Pouring from an empty cup only makes us exhausted.
I am going to try and implement some of these things. You are so right we have to make time for ourselves.
Yes please learn to make time for yourself. It won’t happen overnight because I’m still working on it BUT we can get there.
as a therapist, YES TO ALL OF THIS!!!!!! so awesome, love that you are caring for yourself which helps you care for others!!!
Thank you. It’s a learned process because unfortunately women think we have to be superwoman. Superman wasn’t real and I’m learning to take time for myself.